Let me start by saying this Psalm 32:8 “I will instruct you and teach you in the way you shouldo go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you.”
If any one could notice why my blogs for the past year was so negative and so hard to find the goodness in it, because I am suffering to see the goodness in me. I felt I was really abused and that my kindness wasn’t appreciated and betrayal was only I could feel.
Today, as I marked the day 4 of lent but literally MY day 1 in lent for fasting, I forgot it is lent, a lot of things change for the better in the past year.
Back in 2015, when my unico ijo was born and I left 2months after I gave birth with the care of my parents, I promised myself that by the time he turned 7, max to 8 years old, I will be going home for good. I am working overseas. That was and is my only plan.
Back then, I have so many debts, in people, in different banks, the only question I have was, will I ever be home by the time he is 7-8 years old? I am motivated. Also during those time, am sending my youngest brother in school, I also took care of the education of our helper’s daugther, car loan, personal loans, credit card, unpaid bills, daily expenses, bills abroad, debt in people and so on. Whoever knew me back then, they wouldn’t see any evidence that I am really broke. Walang natitira sa sweldo ko kundi resibo ng bills. I BECAME HOPELESS.
Sabi ko Lord, ano ba ‘to? I am planning for our future bakit hindi matapos tapos ang bayarin bakit ang bigat-bigat ng krus na binubuhat ko. I suffered in depression. I almost killed my self.
But that is not God’s Plan for me. His plans are way better than I have for myself. His ways may not be the way I wanted but he drag me to his path, oo, hinila ako ni lord. sapilitan na kasi gusto nya matupad ko ang lahat ng pangarap ko para sa amin ng anak ko.
He cured me from my depression. I attended a spiritual organization called The Feast – Singles Ministry Love Live Retreat. I met people who taught me to forgive my past and heal from my past. God said that I need to forgive myself so I can forgive people around me. God told me to love my self first so I can love the people around me. God said be peace with your self first so you will see my plans I made for you.
From that moment on, I started serving the Feast Oman (read my blog here: https://strongbadassmom.com/2019/12/01/servants-corner/) I met new people while I am working overseas, sa loob ko mas madali na akong magwowork kasi may mga tao na kasama at iba ang environment ko. I enjoyed a lot, serving God, meeting new people but then I feel that I am moving away from God’s plan. Yes, mas dadapuan ka ng temptation if you are servant of God, Mas matindi ang test ng faith sayo. I was so happy physically, saksi ang mga ka-feast ko dyan, kung gaano ako ka-active mag-serve kay Lord pero mali pala. God do not want me to be addictive and forgot what is our plans.
So after that, I dettached my self to the community. Now, I came to realized that this is not detachment to those people who I met, BUT A QUIET TIME WITH THE LORD. 2 years na ako may quiet time kay Lord. I removed all my social media accounts.
God did answered me, to removed the people na hindi naman kailangan sa buhay ko. Bawasan nya ‘yong mga tao na hindi naman kasama sa plano ko. He did. He answered me. And I am so blessed that I found the right people. God did not removed those people in my life kahit ang hirap kong pakisamahan at ang arte ko. I throwed tantrums alot of times. I get easily pissed off, Bipolar ika nga.
And yet today, God’s plan is indeed working in me. My financial status is no longer broke but getting there. My finances are aligned to the plan I asked. God is providing me every now and then. God wants me to be home when Sebby turns 7 years old, we may have delays but I know God is working to the things I cannot see and I am working on the things I can see.
God gave me Buddy Venz, she’s my buddy in Retreat, she reminded me that I should not go back to what I was before, she came to me during my healing process. We both grow together in Christ. Our friendship made it perfect by God’s grace and with the wisdom that Holy Spirit gave us. We do not judge each other’s past instead help each other to get through present and pray for a hopeful, peaceful future.
God gave me Bips so that I will be reminded na hindi lang dapat bigay ng bigay, mas isipin ko ang kapakanan naming mag-ina na hindi sa lahat ng oras dapat ako ang magbigay at maging matapang. He came when I started to have quiet time with God, he remain and be my confidant during my hard times of listening to God. He became my reminder of my God’s Plan. I prayed to have someone like him, tragic trivia: hindi man kami tinadhana sa gusto namin para sa isa’t isa but our friendship remain with trust and confidence that no matter what, we have each other, read my blog here to know what I mean: https://strongbadassmom.com/2019/05/21/friendzone/. Piniling maging masaya sa umpisa at masaktan sa huli. Masakit pero tanggap, kasi iba ang pain na hindi ka bitter but better.
God tapped my Mom to read my personal journal so she would know what suffering I had inside my mind.
God gave me bumps and roller coaster ride along the way because there’s no easy way. He molded me, equipped me, prepared me and planted seed of love in my heart and mind. And gave me wisdom to overcome bad days, pouring in me His patience because I badly needed it.
No matter what happens God’s plan will push through.
Whatever bad things happened to me, is just a set up to something greater.
I may not have all the money to pay my debts but I know God is doing something to the things I cannot see.
So my dear, if you are struggling and scared of what future holds you? Don’t be, never underestimate God’s plan, you will be surprised.
God is not yet done with you! He store so much blessings and financial providence, open your heart to changes and acceptance that His plan MUST prevail and not yours.