The past couple of years has been one of the toughest emotional journey I could’ve been. I thought I was over it 2 years ago. I thought I can go on maintain and sustain the positivity that long been keeping inside me but truth be told, it is so hard to keep up.
I looked and searched for the answers, an answer that I am longing to hear. Unfortunately, we need to focus to what it is and not the world we want to be.
When I started blogging and published my write ups, I thought I am good at it that I can feel my readers’ feelings, but it wasn’t. I never had a chance to strike at least one of published blog because when I looked at the stat? It failed me.
So the daily blogging became once a month then it stopped for month, then a couple months and it went on. Then once in a blue bright moon when I am feeling the nerves of blogging (like right now!)
I am not a good person as what others have seen me based on the published I came up. Though I write it based on the emotions I feel and thought of what would I do? In reality, I am having hard time to look where and what is good in me. Yes, I am too hard on myself and I cannot blame anyone for it but me.
The strong personality always comes up since I was young. It has always been my first impression and I guess, Id like it. Sometimes, I wanted to feel needy. I want someone to tap my shoulders and tell me that life sucks, adulting sucks more but there’s something we can do about that, and I am with you.
I guess I am searching for the consistent people because I fear rejection, failure and disappointment. I was so scared that there’ll come a time that I have no one with because I pushed them away.
I am missing the happy side of me but I am scared to be taken advantage of.
I am not afraid of pain, I am afraid in love.
I am not scared of being alone, I am scared of being lonely.
I am not afraid of being strong and independent, I am scared that I will get used to it.
I am not afraid to cry, I am scared of happiness.
I am not afraid of endings and goodbyes, I am frigthened by hellos and new beginning. I am afraid of hope, it can be addicted. Scared of trust because it can get broken.
I am not damsel in distress, I do not need saving.
I do not need alms nor pity. All I need is someone who will remind me that, God is with me despite of loosing faith in him.
And someone who will make me feel that I am a human too, a fragile and weak human being.
Where art thou, me?