Making Choices

Last week, I felt the urge of positivism running in my veins. I plotted my vision board. I cut out photographs I wanna be in the next years, claiming it will happen to me.

PHOTO NOT MINE: CTTO.

Since one of my vision is to have a healthy life style so I can keep up with my son who is growing up way too fast, without a blink, he is getting bigger and taller, then I started looking for an exercise that can be performed at home which also needs to be appropriate in my body’s condition. To cut it short, I saw the JUMPING ROPE EXERCISE. Try this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1BZM2Vre5oc

Simple yet, very tiring! I have a jumping rope in my closet waiting for the moment when I can use it so I started. damn it felt so good! The sweat was so good! I felt my legs and arms sore. I need to consistently do it to get the result I wanted. I NEED TO MOTIVATE MYSELF.

Next, I need to feed my mind a positive thoughts in everything I do specially with the person I vowed to commit myself to. I can cope up for weeks but when something came up in a way that really pisses me off, I tend to push, reject and I feed my mind with all the worst case scenarios. I made it worst, actually. I am battling my own ego and throw people outside the bus. It is me.

And today, I woke up, thank God for another day, I was torn between getting up to do jump rope exercise or lay down in bed for another minutes before hitting back to office! You bet, I did my work out! report to office! whew! STILL MOTIVATED TO DATE!

No good morning messages though. No updates. Nothing. A plain blank phone with no one remember how’s my sleep was. ego crashed! Ako naman ang may gusto nito, bakit ako nasasaktan? I asked for this and yet I am the one who is in pain.

Making choices really fucked up. Why human brain cells, emotions or whatever we wanna call it make it so complicated? or why I make it complicated?

If we wanna see changes, I mean better changes, WE MUST MAKE A CHOICE! whether people will benefit or no but the main goal is that YOU MUST BE THE ONE TO BENEFIT ALL OF IT! THE BETTER VERSION OF YOUR OLD SELF. It is so hard to be so kind and caring at the same time to be the bad ass you can be so people will not take advantage of you. In the past, people misused my kindness to weakness, they took advantage so I went back to pissing people every one so they can leave me alone.

To be honest, trust issues are my thing. so hard to believe that people actually care and love you the way you can never imagine. After all with what I’ve been through it is so hard for me to trust people even the one closest to mine. Every time I am pissed, surely, I will be keeping my mouth shut but if you pushed me to say something, you’ll hear the worst. I cannot say sorry all the time for acting up like this but I need to do something out of it.

So hard to make choices when you have all the trust issues with everybody and even with yourself. So hard to motivate yourself when you are in battle with yourself too. So hard to do what is right in a wrong situation. So hard to be human yet grateful. So hard to be me, but who else will be me? So tired yet motivated. I wanted this but why it is so fucking messed up?

Can someone feel my pain?

Can someone really understand me?

I just feel so empty and alone. I am not loosing my faith. I am not lonely either just an independent woman that sometimes feel the need to be needy.

I guess, I am in the midst of processing myself worth. And it’s complicated!

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