How many times did you hear my story, about my brokeness and how i battled all of it? 2? 4, i shared it on my blog, I shared it during our Light Group, and also during our Feast live talks.
Nagsimula ang lahat ng ‘yon last 4th year anniversary ng The Feast Oman, the first over all service I had to do. To be honest, as I share this with you i felt It wasn’t refreshing to me na, tanong ko sa sarili ko, inspiring ba? Parang hindi na, nakakasawa na!
So let me share a part of me that wasn’t about my personal emotional disaster, because I no longer share that anymore. Let them be kept as private and confidential from now on. Asked me? Im always good. Prayer in Silence is my new armor.
I want to share with you my spiritual journey through the Feast and some of my realizations.
May 3, 2018, my #buhayServant started, tama po, 1taon pa lang ako sa Feast Oman as servant leader at paulit uli kong sinasabi, even back in the days when I still have Clarissa Brion may FB, walang humpay ang pasasalamat ko sa community na minahal ko simula 2009, nagsimula po ako sa feast ng 2009 sa PICC.
But something within me shuttered. I gave talk about SERVICE. I did said during my talk that last January 2019 nagpaalam na po ako na ayaw ko na mag-serve. Stop na. And maraming pigil moments along the way, hanggang sa last September, I dettached myself to the community I once loved and to all of you. I told my self, i dont need to ask permission to anyone if i dont want to serve anymore, i can serve God without a community; without serving other people, yes, i know I’ve been disrespectful to all of you. I am in a leadership role and i dropped everything kasi ayaw ko na. May nasaktan ako, may naoffend sa ginawa ko with that
I AM SORRY.
At that moment, that’s me! Un totoong ako, pag ayaw na ayaw na, pag gusto gusto. Mapride akong tao but I know when to admit my mistakes, nagiisip rin naman ako, mukhang hindi lang like i said to my light group peeps, the emotions i felt during superfragilisticexpaiedilicious moment napunta sa maling paraan.
Yes, it was wrong kasi hindi na ako ‘yon but kept doing it until the tranquility of the night came God sent my safe haven, nagtagpo ang landas namin. God sent it to me, as a reminder that I must be true to myself.
Since then, i realized mali tlga ako kung paano ko pinakisamahan ang mga tao sa paligid ko because my happiness were used against me.
My safe haven reminds me to be happy without putting myself into pedestal. That I am worthy, I am loved, I am beyond my failures and mistakes. I am someone who can be looked up too so here I am again, redeeming myself.
Being a servant leader, one of the council members and ministry heads, ministry member, yes parte po ako ng lahat na yan sa loob lamang ng 1 taon at 8 buwan, pasensya na biboo kid po eh, batang may laban pa, anyhow I saw, felt and know some of the ins and outs of the community, like what Bro. Bo said, the community is not messy, humans are. That hit me down to my core.
Dahil alam ko sa puso ko at sa sarili ko mahal ko tong community, im still at tug of war with dropping it all or take it all with pre-cautions this time around, knowing when to say No.
Well, recently I did, not because I dont want too but because I want each one of you to know that you can be a leader of this community no matter how messy your life is. That you can be a servant of the lord despite of having a troubled past and confused self.
As Jack Welch said, BEFORE YOU BECOME A LEADER SUCCESS IS ABOUT GROWING YOURSELF. WHEN YOU BECOME A LEADER SUCCESS IS ABOUT GROWING OTHERS.
Saying No is actually not a No, but to let others talent be recognized, mga ideas nyo, mga kakayahan nyo, kasama na mga sama ng loob, mga potential na leader, lumabas ang weakness and strength ng bawat isa sainyo. Sino ang may diskarte, mahaba ang pasensya, sino ang gusto at willing mag-serve kahit ang dami ng ginagawa sa buhay. Tipong wala ng gana pero sige lang for the lord, ika nga. You took responsibility bestowed upon you.
Maraming hindi magkaintindihan kasi we are messy human beings! We have different characters; personality, some may go along; some may clash pero with proper guidance and concrete concept, maayos rin ang lahat.
Please always ask what, when, where and who you are leading/serving, wag kayo mahiyang magtanong kung may rite ba nyan. Hahaha.
‘Wag kayo mahiyang magtanong tulad ng pagtanong mo sa kanya bakit ka nya iniwan. Hahahaha. Ask help, ask guidance. Pray for wisdom and discernment. Asking help does not make you weak but brave because you want to learn and grow more. You empty your cup to fill a new one and share it.
With that it makes me happy because if I stepped down in a leadership role, one day. I know I am not at the loosing end.
Let me take this opportunity to say, each one of you, you are part of this community, your time, effort are all appreciated. Walang humpay ang pasasalamat ko sainyo, kahit ang dahilan kung bakit tayo nasa ibang bansa ay para magtrabaho you still give your time and share your talent, ideas, love, care and everything you can for this community. You are not paid to serve, but God sees you! And right now, he is blessing you.
Darating talaga na mawawalan tayo ng sigla sa pagbibigay serbisyo dahil sa hindi pagkakasundo-sundo ng mga ideas natin, ‘yong pakiramdam na unworthy ka of being a leader or even confused why we are servant of this community, pero wag sana tayo tuluyang bumitaw, yes, its for me too.
So together, lets find our purpose why we have to do what we’re doing.
God allows spiritual dryness or spiritual warfare so you could be able to seek more of him. When you feel that, don’t let go, YOU ARE GROWING, remain as a regular attendee but Don’t let go!
For what is worth, remember YOU ARE LOVED and you have a purpose.