I can’t let go!

It has been 8 months since I asked my friend that I will leave the call of service (as Servant of our spiritual organization). I don’t say YES all the time, actually, it was so hard for me to say “Yes” in all aspect of life. I may be seen as a strong empowered woman who does it all, but, deep within me, I am woman who is so afraid to love, to serve, to be rejected, to be left out, not to be liked at all. May takot sa pagkatao na hindi ko kayang gawin ang mga bagay sa mundo na binibigay sakin, takot akong magkamali…..ULIT!

I started serving in spiritual community at the age of 13. Since then I enjoyed the community, the people around, the activities, but one thing I didn’t enjoy was the judgment behind the “Service” or being called “Servant of God”.

When you are given this opportunity to serve, halos lahat nakatingin sa bawat kilos mo, one move and you will be condemned, you will be judged as if you already made the biggest mistake of your life. Tipong ipaparamdam sa’yo na ikaw na ang pinakamakasalanan na tao na nilikha ng Diyos. And some would say “naglilingkod sa simbahan pero ang sama ng ugali”, I myself, guilty of it because I said this too to my co-servants, to the people I am seeing in church giving motivational spiritual talks but I know behind that spiritual life, they are portraying somewhat a person who has the darkest secret of all time. I am one of those too.

I myself too became a victim of it.

I have so many questions in my life and I turned my back on him.

I stopped serving him for years (10 years to be exact) because I hated him.

I hated him to the point that I am going to Church condemning him and not praising him.

I hated him because I am serving him but he let me suffer.

I hated him because I answered the call of service but he gave me pain.

I hated him because I am suffering.

I hated him because I believed that if I served him, I will be spared in pain.

I hated him because why he allowed pain, suffering, tears, hatred, anger in my life.

Akala ko ba magiging masaya ako kapag pinagsilbihan kita? Eh bakit ako nasasaktan?

Sa dami ng tao sa mundo, ako pa talaga na nagseserve sayo?

 Ako pa talaga na buong buhay ko binigay ko sa’yo? Bakit ako? Anong gusto mong gawin ko?

Kulang pa ba lahat ng sakit na pinaranas mo sakin?

Ito ba ang kapalit ng pagsisilbi ko sayo? ANG SAKTAN AKO?!

Yes, these are just some of my hated messages to him. I hated him so much that I wanted to take away my own life. Mercy killing? Nah!

But a turned of event take place. It was early quarter of 2018 when we finally meet again. I was invited to attend a retreat seminar under The Feast (The Light of Jesus Family) a spiritual organization founded by Bro. Bo Sanchez.

I went there because I wanted to meet him again, tapang ko eh! Gusto ko ng harapin ang taong nanakit sa buhay ko! ‘yong taong pinagsilbihan ko pero trinaydor ako. I want a reasonable explanation! I deserved that!

Nilalayuan ko pa siya nung nagsimula ng pagusapan sya. I can hear him but I am disregarding him. But he did not give up, sabi ko nga “ginusto mong makaharap sya di ba? Oh eh bakit mo iniiwsan? Magharap kayo. Magtuos pa kayo kung gusto mo!”

So I let him explain, I let him IN, I said YES to him again. After long years of avoiding him, I finally said YES.

This is cliché! This is surreal! But as they say, if you have a personal encounter with him, it is so hard to explain. They will tagged you as one of the “too good to be true” kind of people. And you are a fake!

But how can I explain my personal experience to a close minded, full of negativity and asshole personality about my encounter with him?

How can I spread his word if they’ve seen me having a fucked-up-messy-life?

How can I be the instrument of his love if I hadn’t felt the love?

How can I be called a believer of God if they’ve seen me hated him so much?

How can I teach them about his love, if I am single mother?

How can I?

We may have different reason of serving him but one thing is for sure, you continue serving him because we love him.

Even if you are not serving in a spiritual organization you still serve Him through the people around you.

Kahit hindi ka taong simbahan, taong pala-simba, hindi ka maka-Diyos, pinagsisilbihan mo pa rin ang Diyos.

You love your work. And He represents your work.

Colossians 3:23 “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters.”

You love your friends. And he is one of your friends.

John 15:15 ESV “No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.” 

You love your family. And He represents your family.

Genesis 28:14 “Your offspring shall be like the dust of the earth, and you shall spread abroad to the west and to the east and to the north and to the south, and in you and your offspring shall all the families of the earth be blessed.”

Here’s what I realize. I am not here to let people believe me and in every way possible. I am not here to let people condemned me in every mistake of my life.

YES! I AM SERVANT OF GOD.

I am serving him even if I am suffering.

I am serving him even if no one believes me.

I am serving him even my life is a mess.

I am serving him even I have doubts.

I am serving him even I feel weak.

I am serving him even people tells me how fake of a person I am.

I am serving him even I am sinner.

I said YES to his call despite of my troubles.

I said YES even if my family is having financial drought.

I said YES even I feel envy in my life.

I said YES even I feel betrayed.

I said YES even I am hurting.

I said YES even I am in pain.

I said YES even I have so many reasons to say no.

I serve because I need him in my life.

I serve because I believe in him.

I serve because He listens to me.

I serve because He is close to the broken hearted.

I serve because I LOVE.

My powerful message to one who doubted, to one who did not believe, I am praying that one day you will let Jesus enter your life. Jesus did not change me because I served him, I let him enter my life and it changes me. Your prayers did not change Him, it changes you.

Maybe right now you are in pain, in doubt, servant ka pero ikaw ang puro problema. Hindi ka na mawalan ng problema sa mundo but here’s what I want you to remember:

John 16:22

“So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you.”

If you have seen Breakthrough movie, I’d like to reiterate the phrase used,

For what is worth, remember you have a purpose and YOU ARE LOVED.”

Let him IN, let him Serve you. You will never know where it can take you. Keep Going.

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