The Wounded Healer.

When I was 17 years old, I was diagnosed with diverticulitis, a medical condition in my digestion. The doctor referred me as emergency case; next thing my parents know I was at the hospital, fighting for my life, the Doctor gave me 30 minutes to live. As the doctor said the inflammation may burst and I will be poisoned.

I was advised to stop going to school until I fully recovered. Matigas ulo ko I said no. I want to graduate on time. With all my perseverance, hard work, and willingness to graduate, it paid off, in 2008; I graduated BS Psychology with Best Thesis and Student Leader – Psychology Department awardee.

After 5months since I graduated I landed on my first job. The goal is to give back to my parents what they have done in our life, mine specially.

Masyadong mapagbiro ang tadhana, my family started to fall apart; I need to do something that will make them motivated. I searched for a job with high paying salary so I can support the family finances while studying law. Yes, I took up law, a working student. I managed to do it all for the love of family and for my dreams. I saw how my family grows apart. The trial went through the years and little did I know while I was battling with my family problems, I am starting to be distant to God.

Oman was my escape. I left law school, my job, and my family. I took the responsibility to support our family expenses and all that comes with it. I became the strongest human being, daughter, sister and managed to be independent. My family stayed together, intact. With all the blessings I received I do not seek God, I seek revenge.

As I go on with my life, independently, I enjoyed the freedom. Living far away from home is not anew to me because it is want I wanted in the first place. The dream of becoming a lawyer was put on hold. After almost 3years in Oman, life is not yet over to surprise me, my Lola, died. It pains me so much that I haven’t been able to say goodbye to her on the last days of her life. I was very distant to God. Never in my day I asked God why he forsaken me? Why it has to be my family that needs to go through such mess.

Our Bunso finally graduated from college and my helper’s daughter whom I also supported education. I am a blessing to my family but I haven’t Thank God with all the blessing and grace he bestowed on me.

Life is compose of bumps along the way, either you make it or break it. The father of my son, left us. Lord, hindi ka pa ba tapos pasakitan ako?  I reached the threshold of my pain. I sacrificed a lot to make my family whole and complete but then here comes my own family — broken and apart.

I managed to be strong with all my decisions but this time I felt weak. I wasn’t brave enough to handle the situation. Depression eats me. Anxiety became my best friend. Pain and Anger is my all-time companion. I was battling with the voices in my head. I do not know who to lean on, God wasn’t my option SUICIDE is. I attempted to end my pain by taking away my own life. I was in my darkest, most painful, most hurtful situation. I blame myself. My parents took over the custody of my son because unfortunately I am incapable of taking care of him.

Physically, I hardly smile. I put all the anger towards my work, towards the people around me. I was hard to deal with. Darkness is where I belong. I built wall around me so no one can ever touch me not even my family most especially NOT GOD! I went on to a miserable life, walang kinikilalalang Dyos kundi ang kamatayan.

When God loves you so, he will do everything for you. My Friend, Aj invited me to attend the The Feast Bay Area – I love life retreat in Tagaytay. She didn’t have a hard time inviting me, in my head, may be, I need this time to be with him.

As we went along I was hesitant, the wall around me is still up. Satan is doing a great job at that moment unfortunately God is an awesome God our Retreat Master, Bro. Didoy said “This retreat is nothing if you do not give God consent for you to undergo an open heart surgery of your spiritual life. If God is talking to you right now, say Yes. ‘wag mo nang takbuhan yan”, so I gave my consent and my Yes to God.

March 16, 2018 – God welcome me back in his arm without asking me why I denied him all through the years. He was there waiting for me to come back home. Jesus carried me all though the years I was a coward. I was weak, Jesus carried me.

All I see is my pain and I loose sight of God. The retreat is a whirlwind experience, an encounter with Him. It turned my life upside down most specially my journey in seeking God’s grace through Jesus Christ. I was resurrected. I am alive! Alive with the love of God, I am God’s triumph. I am his and him alone. It is true when you have a personal encounter with God, he changes your perspective then it changes you.

As I continue my life, I become God’s servant. I am now serving Feast Oman. I found a community who doesn’t judged me and did not label me to awful names I heard before. I found a family who made me whole. I found people who guide me in my spiritual journey. I prayed that night, in retreat to take over my life, remove all the pain, anger, anxiety, and depression and filled with his love, Jesus Christ sacrificed himself for us to be free and Yes! He gave me The Feast. He gave me people who are amazing and they accepted me, didn’t define me based on my past but look what is inside my heart.

And I came to realize that He molded me the way Joseph the dreamer in Book of Genesis did (grab that bible of yours and read it: Genesis 37–50). He Bless me so I may become a blessing to others. My curse turned into a blessing. My pain turned to inspiration. My anger turned to forgiveness.

#KeepGoing as what Moira dela torre said and I quote, My past was broken but doesn’t mean my future will be, too.”  God is still working his masterpiece in me. I will still have bumps and humps along the way pero sa pagkakataong ‘to I am with Jesus and no one can break me apart from him. My fear will still be there but God is bigger than any other fear. I will continue to seek God’s grace and forever I will glorify him, in Jesus name.

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